Well this one is going to be pure word vomit. For this following my IG story recently here you go.
Anxiety has been a thing I have dealt with. Manifest in a lot of different ways. Usually it is a constant voice yelling at me “DO MORE, BE MORE, and EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING”. This is like tying to fill a bucket with holes in it. It will never be enough. I want to do and see everything. I want to know how it all feels. I don’t want avg. (no one does) I’m not interested in just surviving. While I’m not an adrenaline junkie in the normal sense I like being in situations that are so loud emotionally the rest of my brains noise goods away. This is dinners with amazing people, speaking in front of crowds, and stolen moments that it all goes quiet and earth gets very small. Where nothing else matters just that moment. I perpetually live trying to jump from that moment to the next one.
So when it slows down or I leave that intensity there is a crash. This is the time I reflect. This is the dip after the high. Depending on the high typically the crash is just as big a swing the other direction. I don’t get one without the other. The times that are so good, inspiring, and fuel me to do and create during the lul. That flame gets reignited. This is a passion for life I have. I want to know all of it. Everything no brakes on the car. This is something I’m built to handle. Even when it goes dark, and it does I can deal with that. I can grab a shovel and dig in. Find the roots of what made the fire so good and keep what makes me better and leave. I do this on the road and I do this at home.
For those really close to meI: I feel more like an apparition. I’m never really anywhere long enough for reality. This method of lighting fires and then leaving with the flame does leave some scorched earth behind it. This is what we do with experiences in new places. It’s why you can romanticize a moment in a place. That’s not the same as living in that place forever.
The part that slaughters me is while my intentions are never malicious I do cause damage along the way. This part of me I need to manage better. Slash and burn isn’t fair to the amazing people who hold on and also need things from me. Again this isn’t a fully sustainable way to live.
I am a selfish, narcissistic, asshole. If your not sure of this. Look at what you’re reading. This is my thoughts I find so important that I need to publish them for you. Or so film myself doing my life cause I think it is entertaining. Occasionally giving my thoughts and concepts on my experiences to you. I can be better. My narcissism allows me to think I can make it work. I can be a complete vagabond and have a regular normal life at home. These two things don’t walk hand in hand. There can be parallels and occasionally cross paths. I just need to make sure I’m staying honest about intentions. Saying and doing are different.
Actions are always the loudest. You don’t have to say shit if you’re doing it the right way. Explanations are not needed. More love is my goal. But not to just receive. I need to give more honestly. Not just falling victim to my own id and ego. Do no harm.
For those dealing with the same feelings ask yourself are you honest with your intentions? Don’t let the world only know a cultivated side of you that people can see through rose colored glasses. It’s very easy to compare and see others lives. Comparison is bullshit. No ones paths are the same. There are no rules for any of this. Life is amazing and if you’re doing it right, it’s complex. Choose love over fear. This can manifest in a lot of ways.
Don’t avoid the darkness when it shows up. It is a saftey mechanism for us to listen to. Not always necessary but sometimes it’s worth leaning in to recalibrate your compass. I love my life. Thank you for all feeding my desires to share, travel, love, and experience new things. To those who have ever been caught in my destructive wake, I’m sorry. You deserve a better me. I’m working to be that
